Its sad how great I really am.

I always wanted to be back in Wimbledon. Its the place to be.

Maybe my obsession with this movie can be explained by me having yellow fever (thing for Asian Guys) 

Dunkin Dounuts coffee and a smoke on the fire escape 

again! It’s embarrassing that I’ve lost my English stomach and now have the tolerance of a 10 year old girl at her first communion. Just need to make it onto my plane to NYC and then I have 6 hours to properly nurse my hangover. 

Family is in Paris 

Sister is at a friend’s house

If this is a reflection to what is next, I don’t know how I’m going to survive the next year in this house alone, all the baking and West Wing couldn’t improve this awkward inbetween year.

My feelings for this city and my home here have varied over the course of the year with the highs and lows being extreme. My ability now to expect the worst and prepare for catastrophe is all from the experience of living here. 

My room is completely packed and I have managed everything into two suitcases and two handbags. A few of my Chinese culture class paintings are still on the walls and three pairs of old shoes are being left in the closet. I packed all my pjs away leaving me to sleep in dirty gym shorts. 

If you had asked me about this day in October/November, I would have told you it would never come. Today is the first day I realized its over, the reality that I have 36 hours left in China. As I start to say my goodbyes, it will become more and more real. 

I said bye to a very good friend in Shanghai today and it was harder than expected. I didn’t come here with a grand plan of making friends and connections. I never went out of my way to avoid them but I honestly started with the idea that I would spend the ten months in seclusion. This year has instead lead to the close relationships I will keep for years with people I am closer to than family. 

Now sweating in my non-airconditioned room, listening to the drunk Chinese men fighting downstairs the nostalgia is fading and the impatience is setting in. 

my boss, thats the reason the US government gives out these scholarships is so we can become spies

I still haven’t quite made up my mind about it and my friends believe I am loosing the plot.  I’ve had multiple people today mention that I look down and my friend Liana went as far to ask me about my mental health. 

I was slightly surprised as I don’t think I’ve changed that much despite starting to feel more anxious. I’m starting to get nightmares that I had about a year ago before leaving to China but that’s hardly loosing my mind. 

I’ve started dating a guy here that no one really approves of. The combination of age difference and his vanity makes my friends understandably unhappy. I also have a bad habit of being unreachable when I hang out with him making the situation worse. He’s in Singapore this weekend and called me today telling me that because of visa issues he probably won’t be back till Monday. I am taking it as a misplacement of priorities.

I am also bitter as I have just found out that the allowance I depend on was cut by 3/4 because of the disappointing performance I gave during my family’s last visit. This explains why I have become so disgustingly broke and I have overdraft charges over 100 pounds. I am fuming, not because of the cut but because no one told me. It is beyond irresponsible to put me in a position where I am spending off budget then running out of money in a foreign country without any other options.

Part of me wants nothing more than to just be home now, stop this inching process to the finish line. The other part really doesn’t want this last weekend in Shanghai to end.